the future is bright.

first of all, i realize that i'm pretty much the worst blogger ever. but lately i haven't felt like i have anything to write about. it's been a rough month. sometimes i feel completely empty and alone. and i hate feeling like that. hate it i tell you! 

i've been trying to figure out why i'm feeling this way, and i've talked to lots of people about it. i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i never really allowed myself to take time to be sad or upset about my divorce. i thought that if i just moved on, tried to be happy, pretended to be happy....that i would eventually be happy. and it worked. i focused all my energy on trying new things, making new friends, trying to date, and forcing myself to be happy. honestly, i thought i was happy. 

about 6 months after my divorce i started dating someone, which made me even more happy. he was so good to me, cared about me, and treated me like no guy ever had before. we went on fun dates, did nice things for each other, he met my family, it was fantastic. i loved him (although i never told him that). we dated for about 4 months (ish). he was also recently divorced, which was nice...it seemed like we related well to each other. he had kids, which i was fine with. things were great, and he came  to thanksgiving with me to meet my parents and granny.....we had a blast. then about a week later he broke up with me. he told me that he needed to get things sorted out in his head (going through a divorce messes you up), and that he was still in love with his ex wife. 

i was devastated. completely broken, and felt hopeless. although i knew that the break up had nothing to do with me, it left me feeling like there is something wrong with me. ever since then, i've been on a complete emotional roller coaster. sometimes i feel great, but a lot of times i'm just sad and don't know what to do. i'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for me to move on from this when it seemed like i was able to move on from my divorce with no problems. 

the more i think about it, the more i realize that a lot of this is probably stemming from residual feelings that i never addressed after i got divorced. does that make any sense? like i kind of buried all my feelings and tried to forget about them, and this recent breakup has brought all of that to the surface. so i've decided that it's ok for me to just not be ok for a while. i need to allow myself to be sad and upset and it's going to take a lot of time to heal. rejection stinks. and just like we need to allow our bodies time to heal after an injury, we need to do the same with out hearts. hearts get broken, and they need time to repair. but pretending like everything is ok is not the answer. 

so if you happen to run into me and i'm sad or upset, don't feel bad for me, be happy for me. be happy that i'm allowing myself to feel.

and in the interest of not being a complete and total downer, i'm going to list a few of the really good things that happened to me in 2012:

moved to provo 

that move enabled me to meet and make amazing new friends

spent a lot of quality time with my family

started guitar lessons (still taking them, and still loving it)

took golf lessons

surprised my parents at easter in cincinnati

went to jackson hole 

went to aruba

summer trip to mccall, id (probably my favorite place to visit)

ran my very first half marathon

ragnar colorado (188 miles of running with my amazing co-workers)

air supply concert (it's been on my bucket list for forever)

disneyland/ca trip

snow canyon half marathon

thanksgiving 12k

motab christmas concert

i really do have a lot of amazing memories from 2012. this year has been so monumental for me. i've learned more about myself than ever before. i've come to understand the importance of my relationship with my Heavenly Father. most of all, i've been able to lean on my family for support through the hard times, and experience so many of the good times with them. i am blessed. even though i'm sad, i can still recognize the good things in my life and i'm grateful for them every day. 

2013 is going to be a good year. i'm going to make it a good year. i'm currently trying to figure out what goals i want to set for myself and pin point the things i need to focus on more. i'm excited to start the new year with a clean slate and make it something wonderful. the future is bright.

xoxo-meg