on being vulnerable

my good friend angela sent me the link to this ted talk. it is amazing, and kind of exactly what i've been needing to hear. 

i've spent the last 5-6 months-you know, since the big D, shielding myself from rejection and heartbreak. refusing to let myself be vulnerable because i was afraid of what might happen. and i think that might be why things aren't happening the way i thought they would. i thought i was putting myself out there, but was i really? no. i was physically putting myself in situations that could potentially help me form relationships, but emotionally i wasn't doing that at all. and this talk has kind of helped me figure out why. and helped me realize that it's ok to be vulnerable. in fact, it's completely necessary

i love when she talks about vulnerability being the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love. and how when we try to numb ourselves from vulnerability or the pain that comes with it, we're also numbing our joy and happiness. 

so. with this. i'm going to start putting myself out there more. i mean REALLY putting myself out there. i can't be afraid to initiate things because i'm afraid of rejection. i need to be willing to do things that just might not work out. because if i don't, well, i'll never know what could have been.

thanks angela for sharing! this made my day.

xoxo-meg

weekend recap

happy tuesday! i hope everyone had a fabulous memorial day weekend. i know i did! there's something about the country that just makes everything better. i'm so glad i got to spend some time up in idaho this weekend. i want to go back...well, i didn't really want to leave. it's kind of weird, because it's not like i grew up on a farm or ranch or anything...but i just love the lifestyle. maybe it's because a lot of my friends grew up on farms, who knows. all i'm sayin' is...i need to find me a cowyboy :)

friday: ultimate frisbee at lunch was a success, despite the fact that it was incredibly windy. another victorious outing for the idahomers on friday night. i struck out. seriously. struck out in slow pitch softball. it was humiliating. after our game i made the trek to idaho. my mom and granny went up as well, so we got there around the same time and decided to wait for hannah and dusty to get home from their date so we could chat. we stayed up until about 2:30 AM just visiting. i love that time with my family.

saturday: headed to the andrus ranch to do some branding. i love the smells (gross, i know) associated with branding. i love the total team effort that it takes. i love the views (the ranch is surrounded by beautiful mountains). i love everything about it. and getting a little dirty is always fun. we only branded until about 2:30 because of the rain. when i went to leave, i realized that i had locked my keys in my car (i'm so smart). after a failed attempt to break into it with a hanger, i called the locksmith. he drove out to the ranch, unlocked my car, and then wouldn't let me pay him. it was a memorial day weekend miracle. i didn't even mind that i was completely soaked from the torrential downpour that was occurring during this whole shenanigan. i love the rain. after branding i headed with my fam to the thai restaurant (best food in lava), and then spent the night inside watching softball. nice and relaxed.

sunday: went to church. i love attending church in lava. it feels like home. sunday was dusty's birthday, and monday was ayden's, so we had a bbq birthday party to celebrate. dusty's family came, so did annie and dain and their kids. it was pretty fun. it's getting more exciting watching ayden open presents now that he actually understands the concept. that kid is too cute for his own good. 

monday: headed back out to the ranch to do some more branding. we did chores first, then a group of us went out to herd some cattle. while we were herding, we came across a dead calf. they needed to figure out how/why it died, so they did an informal autopsy right there in the middle of the meadow. it was kind of cool to see the inner workings of a cow. sad, but educational...you get the drift. anyway...we got the cattle up to the ranch, but still needed to wait a little longer before we could brand (it was too wet), so we went on a horseback ride. let me tell you...horseback riding is one of my favorite things ever. i wish i could do it more. there's something to be said about riding a horse surrounded by the beauty that is idaho, breathing in the fresh air. ahhhh. it's so refreshing. i love it. after said horseback ride, we began branding again. i was in charge of vaccinations on monday, so i gave shots to all the calves. i may or may not have stuck myself in the leg with the needle while trying to dodge a rogue calf. minor details. all in all, branding was a success. i had so much fun, and love that i get to be part of the experience. 

i ended up staying in idaho monday night because i didn't want to drive home late. i left this morning, and was on track to be to work by about 9:30 or 10:00 when i witnessed a car accident on I-15. the suburban in front of me veered across both lanes of taffic, into the median, overcorrected, came back across both lanes of traffic, hit the guard rail, flipped twice, and landed halfway in a little swamp in the ditch. i was the only witness, and the first person on the scene. as i dialed 911 and started running towards the suburban, i was preparing myself to find dead bodies. but both of the people in the car were ok. they were talking, responsive, and i didn't even see any blood, which is pretty amazing. you should have seen the car. i waited with them and talked to them until the paramedics, firemen, and police showed up. they had to use the jaws of life to get the door open. and i had to walk around with the cop and show him what happened, as well as give him a written statement. it was pretty intense. i'm still amazed that no one was seriously injured. 

i hope you all have a fun week planned! i'm going to try and get some good sleep, and spend some time with friends. also, i just realized it's almost june. that is crazy.

xoxo-meg

lately...

i feel like mother nature is having a hard time making up her mind. it was almost 90 degrees on tuesday and today it's only 60 something. it's strange to me how the sun can be shining in all its glory one day, and be tucked behind rain clouds the next. it's almost as if mother nature is having mood swings. i mean, she is a SHE right? so it makes sense i guess. maybe mother nature was really happy on tuesday, and today she's feeling a bit sad and down. 

i feel like i've been the same way lately. i can't make up my mind. am i happy, am i not? it's a constant battle. one that i'm rather sick of, to be honest. and i know that you can make the best of any situation you're in. but sometimes it's harder than others, no? 

it's been almost 6 months since i signed the papers for the big D. 6 months. can you believe that? maybe i think too highly of myself, but i was pretty sure i'd be super happy by the time the 6 month mark came along. not that i'd necessarily be in a relationship with someone or anything, but that i would at least be dating a lot and starting to form new bonds and relationships with people. but guess what? i'm not. i've been on a handful of dates. none of which led to second dates. i'm going to activities and putting myself out there...but not getting a lot in return.

sometimes i think there must be something wrong with me, right? there must be a reason why the dating life has been rather slow and depressing. but i don't really think there is. i'm a relatively easy person to get along with. i think i'm kind of fun to be around. i'm not hideous. so why don't guys want to date me? it's kind of a shot to a girl's self esteem. 

but, then i remember this post from a few weeks ago. and all those thoughts kind of disappear. i remember that this is all part of a greater plan. and you know what? there are people out there struggling with much more difficult trials than mine. and they're getting through. they're ok. and i will be too. 

you know what else? even though i'm not necessarily forming new relationships with people...i am most definitely strengthening the ones i already had. it's amazing to me to know just how many people care about me. i have an amazing family. they love me. they want what's best for me. and this situation has helped me grow so much closer to them. i have some of the most amazing cousins you will ever meet. i know i can go to them with anything. the ones that live close have been a huge support to me. and the ones that live far away have as well. the other day my cousin sent me a message on facebook just to check in. he told me he knows there's someone out there who will appreciate my life experience and feel privileged to be with me. and i believe him. and i feel so gosh darn lucky that i have people in my life to remind me of these things. and my friends? forget about it. they're the best around. i honestly don't know what i would do without them. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is this; despite the fact that i, much like mother nature, have my good days and bad. and my life sometimes feels overcast and dreary...there's always sunshine hiding behind there somewhere. i just need to remember to look for it. and remember it, remember how i feel when i have those moments of sunshine. 

and with that...i wish you a happy long weekend. i get to spend the weekend in beautiful idaho. i love it there. it's almost as if time stops. it's beautiful this time of year, and i'm really looking forward to taking in all that idaho has to offer. plus, i get to brand cows...which is kind of awesome. and i get to spend time with ayden. here's to a fun, safe, happy memorial day weekend.

xoxo-meg

this & that

apparently my body has turned into a cold sore factory. i currently have three of them on my top lip. (side note-never under any circumstance type "cold sore" into the google image search bar. unless you want to lose your lunch)

i was beginning to think i've outgrown my allergies. ha. i was wrong. i've been getting the worst allergy attacks this past week. i currently look like i've been punched in both eyes. it's pointless to even wear makeup, and i'm pretty sure i'm scaring my co-workers. my boss told me about this miracle drug, and it actually kind of helps. i mean, it at least takes the edge off. normally all natural homeopathic stuff isn't really my thing. but desperate times call for desperate measures.

it tastes gross and makes your tongue numb

i'm always tired.

i went running at lunch today. i wonder when 3 miles is going to start being easier. i was kind of hoping that would have happened by now. 

i'm signing up for a 1/2 marathon in august. 

i have to speak in sacrament meeting on june 10th. they asked me 2 weeks ago. why do they give me 5 weeks notice? don't they realize that i'm going to be sick about it the entire time? 

i think i repel men.

i haven't had rips for 2 weeks. if you know me at all, you know this is a huge deal. 

i'm thinking about signing up for lds singles.

i get to go brand cows this weekend in idaho. i'm really looking forward to it. 

i love my job. but sometimes i wish i was a millionaire so i could just lay by the pool all day and drink diet coke.

i'm trying to stop drinking diet coke. any soda, really. it's hard.

i think my eyes are on fire.

this should be a "before" picture for an eye drop commercial

i hate allergies.

hope you're all having a fabulous tuesday. 

xoxo-meg

weekend recap

the weather on friday morning/afternoon had me a little worried for the weekend. but it ended up being beautiful! my weekend was full of fun and relaxation. i hope yours was too!

friday: usually on fridays we play ultimate frisbee at work. however, the rain and insane wind was proving to make frisbee quite difficult. so, part of our group that is training for ragnar decided to go running instead. i ran 3 miles. 3 miles people! that's farther than i've ever been able to run. yes, i may have thought at one point that i was going to die...but i did it. and it felt so good! idahomers had a softball game, which we won. i batted particularly well, hitting a single, double, and a triple. the bat was my friend :) my mom and hannah were in town on their way back up to idaho, so we got to spend some time together. so much fun

saturday: woke up early and went running with annie. 3.5 miles. i'll admit, i had to walk for a bit...but at least i got out and did it! it's fun to have someone to motivate you. after running we had a sun tanning sesh in annie's backyard. we're quite the spectacle...4 girls in swimming suites sprawled out on the lawn sipping sonic drinks. i'm sure the neighbors were just loving it. hannah and mom headed to idaho, and i went golfing with a friend. i guess you could consider it a date. the weather was perfect and the course we golfed on was gorgeous! we even saw a few deer. i didn't golf great, but wasn't terrible either, so i'll take it. after golf we grabbed some pizza and headed to watch the lakers/thunder game (go OKC!). i headed home after the game and honestly can't even remember what happened after because i'm pretty sure i went straight to bed and basically passed out. i was exhausted. but had so much fun.

sunday: went to church and spent the rest of the day hanging out with annie and her cute little fam (and kate and miff of course). my mom was in town heading back down to st. george, so i got to spend time with her as well. we went for a little walk and had a nice, relaxing sunday. 

today i'm going to get fitted for running shoes. i'm not messing around, folks! i'm actually really excited to start training more. running isn't too bad, and i think i'll like it even more once i start getting into it more. i'm going running after work today and spending the night hanging out with mike and dasha. lots of exciting things happening this week! happy monday to you all!

xoxo-meg

guys...

i feel like my little blog has been a bit neglected lately. i also feel like maybe i haven't been doing anything exciting enough to write about. which means...i need to get my butt in gear and start doing something! 

as you know, i've been taking guitar lessons for a couple of months now. up until this week, i had been renting my guitar. on tuesday i finally bought one. she is a gem. she cost a little more than i wanted to spend, but is totally worth it. i'm trying to come up with a name for her, so if you have any suggestions, please chime in. i kind of like fiona, but am open to other options as well.

full body shot

my favorite feature

my company (the best company ever) registered for the ragnar relay in colorado. it's september 7 & 8, and i'm signed up to be one of the runners...which means i have 17 weeks to condition myself to run 13 miles. i'm kind of excited to have a goal to train for. i think this is going to be an awesome experience. it will be so much fun with my co-workers, who all pretty much rock. so far this week i've been running twice, and haven't died of a heart attack, so i'd say i'm off to a pretty good start. 

in other news...i'm debating whether or not to renew my lease in august. part of me wants to stay in provo, but a bigger part of me wants to move to salt lake. i feel like i spend most of my time there, so it makes sense. but i love being close to my family in provo...and i really like my ward. really, i can't lose either way...but i'm having a hard time deciding which is the best choice. opinions? 

in other other news...i've had "lazy hair" 2 days so far this week. you know, you get out of the shower, put a little scrunch spray in your hair and call it good. i think i need to start trying harder :)

lazy hair (you can't really see it)

also, i got my retainer adjusted yesterday. i want to pull my teeth out they hurt so bad. and by they way...if you're ever look for an orthodontist, mine is awesome. all of my appointments so far have been smooth sailing. seriously, yesterday i was in and out in 6 minutes flat. no lie. and he's super funny as well. yesterday our conversation went something like this:

dr. goldsberry: so have you been wearing your retainer 24-7?

me: yes, except when i'm trying to impress people

dr. goldsberry: by people you mean guys?

me: yes, but i don't go on many dates....so i wear my retainer pretty much all the time

dr. goldsberry: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

man, i'm so hilarious. if only everyone appreciated my humor as much as he does. i need to go to the orthodontist more often. he makes me feel good about myself.

xoxo-meg

weekend recap

i had an amazing weekend in st george, and honestly...didn't want to come home. have i ever told you just how awesome my family is? well, they are. seriously. i don't think you'll find better people anywhere. you should be jealous :) so let's begin, shall we?

friday: went on that blind date at lunch. it was fun. not awkward at all, which is what i was worried about. he'll probably never call again, but that's ok. at least i had a good time, right? right. idahomers experienced our first loss of the season, which was kind of a bummer. i'm getting so good at maintaining my composure when we lose. i used to get really angry. i'm kind of proud of myself. my mama and sister and ayden came down to watch the game. it was so good to see them. man, i love them. after the game we all headed down to st. george for the weekend. kate rode with me. our road trip was amazingly awesome. we had a blast. we chatted a little bit, but spent 98% of our time singing. ok, not singing. BELTING at the top of our lungs. we both were a little horse by the time we arrived. but you guys...if you ever go on a roadtrip...set your pandora station to "spice girls". it will not disappoint. i promise. we tried to get a picture of our road trip, but nearly ran into a semi in the process, so this beauty from the gas station in beaver will have to do.

i look like a ghost

saturday: cousin hike! kate, ian, mike, hannah and me all went on a little hike, and it was so much fun. i love spending quality time with my cousins. i feel so lucky to have a close relationship with them. they're basically like siblings to me. never a dull moment when they're around. i posted pictures on facebook, but i'll throw a few of my favs on here. on our way home from the hike we stopped at sonic to get drinks. i ordered a diet coke and was so looking forward to that refreshing taste. as we were pulling out of the parking lot i took a big huge gulp, and you can imagine my disappointment when i tasted root beer? root beer. so, we turned around to return it. this is when ian realized he was drinking my diet coke. but oops, he drank the ENTIRE thing before we even left the parking lot. needless to say, i was a little sad. but i got over it quickly. it was hilarious.

we're so sexy

after our hike we went to my mom's cousin's house to play in their pool and soak up some rays. i would love to have a pool someday. i love being out in the sun and playing in the water. it's so relaxing. we all got a little bit of a sunburn, which is just how we like it. we also took ayden down the slide. we started off just putting him about halfway up and helping him down, but he got bored of that so we decided to let him go down from the top. i volunteered to ride down with him. we decided that ian would stand at the end and catch him. well, we got a little more speed than anticipated. and when we got to the end i realized that i needed to get him out of my arms otherwise i'd land on him. i meant to toss him gently to ian, but instead i launched him about 3 feet in the air. my mom caught the moment on camera, and it's now my favorite photo of all time. i laugh every time i look at it. the little guy loved it though. he's a stud. 

best. picture. ever.

saturday night we went to the gap outlet and just chilled. i got to spend a lot of time playing with ayden. i can't even describe how much i love that kid. he has a sweet spirit, and i just can't get enough. he's hilarious. and smart. and adorable. we're blessed to have him in our family. 

sunday: mother's day! i am so grateful for my amazing mom. i don't know where i'd be without her. she does so much for me, and has always been the most supportive person in my life. she is an amazing woman, and i hope to someday be as good of a mother to my kids as she is to me. we went to church, and had a nice dinner to celebrate the moms in our lives. my uncle philip, aunt lisa and cousin nelson came as well. it was fun to spend time with them. 

my mom is a babe

any time spent with family is time well spent. i'm so lucky to be in this family. i count my blessings every day. i don't know what i did in heaven to deserve them, but whatever it was...i'm glad i did it.

i hope you all had a fabulous weekend as well. this week is going to be pretty chill, which is good. i feel like i've been going a million miles a minute, so it will be good to sit back and get a few things done. 

xoxo-meg

going into it blind

going on a blind date today. i've never been on one before, so this should be interesting. i'm setting my expectations low...because it's just easier that way. i woke up this morning with 2 lovely zits. and i still feel pretty crappy from this weird cold/cough/allergy/walking pneumonia or whatever it is that i have. keep your fingers crossed folks. i need all the help i can get. 

at least my shoes are cute.

xoxo-meg

to my friend...

first of all, sorry for the week long leave of absence. i'm sure you were all DYING without my posts :) i've been sick, and therefore spending most of my days/nights drunk on theraflu/nyquil and sleeping my sickness away. 

today i want to dedicate a special birthday post to one of my very best friends ever. some friends come in to your life for a reason. i believe that's the case with my friend dasha. we first started hanging out back when i was still a "we". we lived right down the road from the cassitys and spent a ton of time with them. that was about 5 years ago. 5 years? that seems crazy. dasha has been there for me through several discouraging times in my life, and through a lot of happy times as well. from marital fights to infertility, to finding out my little sister was pregnant and thinking my life was completely falling apart (little did i know...right?), to the big D. we were supposed to be hanging out with mike and dasha the night the ex told me he wanted a divorce. i had to call and cancel on them, and through my sobbing and tears, dasha was a huge sense of comfort to me. i don't think i've ever met two more compassionate and selfless people than mike and dash (it's not mike's birthday, so he's not getting special attention...but for the record, he's awesome.) after the big D went down and i was pretty much rendered homeless for a short period of time, mike and dash opened their home to me. cooked me meals. took care of me. listened to me complain. and eventually, helped me start being myself again. i seriously don't know how i'll ever be able to repay them for what they've done for me. i wouldn't trade my memories with dasha for anything. i took a little time to look back on all the things we've done together. here are just a few:

oh millsap

photoshoot with millsap at the mcdonalds in tooele. people thought we were crazy. i think we took like 8 pictures with him. she's obsessed. well we both are really. on her 24th birthday we had a millsap themed birthday party. i made her her own cardboard cutout of millsap, it wasn't life-sized but it was still awesome. and she still has it. 

RSL

last summer at a real game. i think one of the first things we ever did with mike and dasha was go to a real salt lake game. and look at this...4 years later, and still going strong :)

bear lake

this was taken last summer during one of our several trips to bear lake with the cassitys. i love spending time up there with them. 2 years ago we spent the 4th of july up there, which happens to be my birthday, and dasha surprised me with a red white and blue birthday cake. bear lake is one of my favorite places. it's even better when you get to go with amazing people.

skiing

dasha took me skiing this winter for the first time in about 12 years. she was a pretty amazing instructor, and had me tearing down the mountain in no time. i got a little too confident at one point and totally wiped out. right under the ski lift. it was awesome.

sammy's

most recently....our trip to sammy's when dash, marianne and ash came down to see my new digs. i have the most supportive friends a girl could ask for. not a day goes by that i don't realize just how lucky i am. 

dasha is pregnant right now with their first kid. a little boy. if she's even close to being as good of a mother as she is a friend, this kid is in luck. pretty sure he's going to have the coolest parents on the planet. i couldn't be happier for them.

dash...happy birthday! i'm so grateful for our friendship. 

probably one of my favorite photos of all time

xoxo-meg

today....

i woke up at 9. put on the smallest amount of makeup possible...but enough to not scare anyone. didn't do my hair. wore basketball shorts and a t-shirt to work. and ate this for lunch:

herbal tea and saltines...does a body good.

i haven't been feeling great the last few days. yesterday i full on took a nap on my co-worker's couch. when i got home i drank 1/3-1/2 bottle of theraflu, and fell asleep at like 8:45. here's to hoping this is just a 24 hour bug. i have a feeling it's not though. i think my body may have finally reached its breaking point. you can only go so long with virtually no sleep before you get sick. 

hope you're having a happy, healthy wednesday!

xoxo-meg