aha!

folks. i'v had an aha moment. you know how things always happen for a reason, and we don't always know what that reason is? i figured out why i got divorced. i mean, besides the glaringly obvious reasons, i figured out why God gave me this trial. and i feel so good about it now. seriously. i feel like a new person. all because i decided to sit and ponder one night. so...if you're not in the mood for a serious post, don't read this. and if you don't care about religious jargon, don't read this. this is going to be kind of long, and requires a little bit of a back story...so please bear with me. 

when i got married at the ripe old age of 19, i had a perfect vision of how i wanted my life to be. i wanted to be active in the church, pray every night with my husband, read my scriptures every night, have family home evening, basically have a life centered around the Gospel. from the beginning, i didn't have that. which is my fault just as much as it is anyone elses. approximately two years after we got married, the ex told me that he didn't believe in the church anymore. he disagreed with a lot of the teachings, and felt like a hypocrite going to church. i felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. granted, as i said before, it's not like i was little miss righteous or anything, but still. we married each other believing the same things. that was still the foundation of our marriage. i didn't really know what to do at that point. i didn't tell anyone. i kept it all inside. i was going to figure this out on my own. and i wasn't going to give up. never. i couldn't let this be the cause of a failed marriage. i don't like to fail, i don't like to lose. i'm prideful, and it's a problem. over the course of the next three years, i was slowly losing myself. i didn't realize it at the time, but looking back i can totally see it. i was letting my standards slip lower and lower. i never did anything "bad" per se, but i wasn't the person i wanted to be. i wasn't reading my scriptures, praying, even attending church regularly. i found a lot of excuses to stay home. because i wanted to spend time with my husband. i wanted to do everything i could to strengthen my marriage. i thought several times about how much easier it would be to just drop my beliefs all together. to leave the church to save my marriage. i feel really ashamed writing that, but it's true. i was not going to let religion ruin my marriage. i was not going to let my marriage fail. i was not going to lose. i was going to do everything i could to make it work. but i never did that. something deep inside me told me not to. i received a calling in the young women's organization and started going to church regularly again. i went to activities, and tried to immerse myself in the work. but there was always the lingering thoughts that my life was never going to turn out how i wanted. i couldn't be happy living like this forever. but, because of my pride and competitive nature, i tried not to think about that. it wasn't until i heard these words from my ex's mouth "the only way our marriage is going to work is if i come back to church, or if you leave the church, and i'm not coming back" that i realized the complexity of the situation. i had a choice to make. and i know without a shadow of a doubt that i made the right one. 

so last night, as i was studying my scriptures, i decided to study the topic of humility. i had heard people say things about trials being a humbling experience, and never really thought much of it until last night. i looked up a few scriptures that i found when i searched for "humility" in the topical guide. and i came across this gem. it was like something suddenly clicked. a light bulb, an aha moment if you will. the scripture is in deuteronomy chapter 8, verse 2. in this scripture, the Lord is talking about how he tested the children of Israel, and why he tested them.

"And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no."

after i read that verse, i sat and thought for a while. about how my marriage (it was five years, not forty...thank goodness) was a lot like the "wilderness" in which the children of Israel were tested. it was my own personal wilderness. a test from God. and i almost failed the test for the sake of saving my marriage. i lost sight of what is most important in my life. i wasn't even doing the basics. i let my pride get in the way of what brings me the most happiness. i almost sacrificed my core beliefs and values all because i didn't want to fail, i didn't want to lose. 

but you know what? i did fail. my marriage failed. i lost at marriage. but it's ok. because from that whole experience, i've learned "what is in thine heart". i know what is most important to me. and i know now more than ever that i can never let that waiver. 

since my divorce, i've formed a much stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father. i'm getting more out of my church meetings than i ever have before, i'm reading my scriptures and praying on a daily basis. i'm centering my life around the Gospel. in the end, that's all that matters. if i never get married again, it's ok. because i will always have the Gospel of Jesus Christ. and that's enough.
sometimes it's ok to lose. it's ok to fail. it's ok to allow yourself to be humbled. i'm so glad that i finally realize that. i'm glad that i was given this wake up call. it sucks that my marriage had to end because of it. but, i've been humbled. and i know that there are good things in store for me.

xoxo-meg