the future is bright.

first of all, i realize that i'm pretty much the worst blogger ever. but lately i haven't felt like i have anything to write about. it's been a rough month. sometimes i feel completely empty and alone. and i hate feeling like that. hate it i tell you! 

i've been trying to figure out why i'm feeling this way, and i've talked to lots of people about it. i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i never really allowed myself to take time to be sad or upset about my divorce. i thought that if i just moved on, tried to be happy, pretended to be happy....that i would eventually be happy. and it worked. i focused all my energy on trying new things, making new friends, trying to date, and forcing myself to be happy. honestly, i thought i was happy. 

about 6 months after my divorce i started dating someone, which made me even more happy. he was so good to me, cared about me, and treated me like no guy ever had before. we went on fun dates, did nice things for each other, he met my family, it was fantastic. i loved him (although i never told him that). we dated for about 4 months (ish). he was also recently divorced, which was nice...it seemed like we related well to each other. he had kids, which i was fine with. things were great, and he came  to thanksgiving with me to meet my parents and granny.....we had a blast. then about a week later he broke up with me. he told me that he needed to get things sorted out in his head (going through a divorce messes you up), and that he was still in love with his ex wife. 

i was devastated. completely broken, and felt hopeless. although i knew that the break up had nothing to do with me, it left me feeling like there is something wrong with me. ever since then, i've been on a complete emotional roller coaster. sometimes i feel great, but a lot of times i'm just sad and don't know what to do. i'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for me to move on from this when it seemed like i was able to move on from my divorce with no problems. 

the more i think about it, the more i realize that a lot of this is probably stemming from residual feelings that i never addressed after i got divorced. does that make any sense? like i kind of buried all my feelings and tried to forget about them, and this recent breakup has brought all of that to the surface. so i've decided that it's ok for me to just not be ok for a while. i need to allow myself to be sad and upset and it's going to take a lot of time to heal. rejection stinks. and just like we need to allow our bodies time to heal after an injury, we need to do the same with out hearts. hearts get broken, and they need time to repair. but pretending like everything is ok is not the answer. 

so if you happen to run into me and i'm sad or upset, don't feel bad for me, be happy for me. be happy that i'm allowing myself to feel.

and in the interest of not being a complete and total downer, i'm going to list a few of the really good things that happened to me in 2012:

moved to provo 

that move enabled me to meet and make amazing new friends

spent a lot of quality time with my family

started guitar lessons (still taking them, and still loving it)

took golf lessons

surprised my parents at easter in cincinnati

went to jackson hole 

went to aruba

summer trip to mccall, id (probably my favorite place to visit)

ran my very first half marathon

ragnar colorado (188 miles of running with my amazing co-workers)

air supply concert (it's been on my bucket list for forever)

disneyland/ca trip

snow canyon half marathon

thanksgiving 12k

motab christmas concert

i really do have a lot of amazing memories from 2012. this year has been so monumental for me. i've learned more about myself than ever before. i've come to understand the importance of my relationship with my Heavenly Father. most of all, i've been able to lean on my family for support through the hard times, and experience so many of the good times with them. i am blessed. even though i'm sad, i can still recognize the good things in my life and i'm grateful for them every day. 

2013 is going to be a good year. i'm going to make it a good year. i'm currently trying to figure out what goals i want to set for myself and pin point the things i need to focus on more. i'm excited to start the new year with a clean slate and make it something wonderful. the future is bright.

xoxo-meg

thankful

i have so much to be thankful for. it's overwhelming to think about all of the blessings i have. i went to the temple with my roommate last night, and as we were sitting in the celestial room i was overcome with gratitude and love. i kept thinking about my granny and how much i love her. and how grateful i am for the knowledge that families are forever. i need to be better at expressing my gratitude. here's a start. a list of things i'm thankful for.

. the gospel of Jesus Christ

. temples

. parents that taught me the value of hard work. my dad is one of the hardest working people i know. and my mom...well, if you know her, you know that she is amazing. she may not have had a "professional" career, but i honestly don't know of any mother who worked harder to provide a loving, safe, comforting, CLEAN and supportive home. i aspire to be like both of them. if i ever get the opportunity to stay at home and raise a family, i want to do it just like my mom did.

. a granny that would do anything for me. i get emotional just thinking about how much i love that lady. and the thought of losing her some day terrifies me.

. my amazing family. immediate and extended...they're the best. 

. trials

. the fact that my mom made me take piano lessons up until my jr. year of high school. i love playing the piano.

. my job. i love it.

. friends that have been there through it all, and love me no matter what.

. opportunities to serve

. financial comfort

. talents

. opportunities to try new things

. this beautiful country we live in. i'm amazed a the beauty that surrounds me

. modern conveniences like cars, technology, space heaters!!

. a home that invites the spirit. 

. the fact that i have so much family in close proximity to where i live. i can't imagine going through this last year without them.

i'm sure i've left something off the list. but these are the things that come to my mind when i think about gratitude. i love the holiday season because it gives us a chance to reflect on our lives and the many blessings we have.

i've been divorced for 9 months now. it's hard for me to believe that it's been so long. that list that i just shared? yeah, pretty much the only reason i'm not a complete mess right now. i feel like i've always recognized my blessings and been appreciative of them, but not on the level that i am now. sometimes it takes a big change to help us understand just how lucky we are. i hope we can all find time this season to count our blessings. 

xoxo-meg

pretty much i only update my blog once a month...

i really don't have too many exciting things going on in my life anyway, so once a month seems about right. yeah? yeah. i'd like to start by saying...holy crap! it's already november?! where on earth has the time gone? for real...the last 3 months have flown by. i guess the old saying rings true, time really does fly when you're having fun. and i've been having so much fun! october was a busy month for me. i got to spend a weekend in idaho with the sisters, and ben tagged along, which was a lot of fun. he had never been to lava...he pretty much thought it was awesome. because, hello! it is. i ran a 5k in park city with tracy and the gals from my work...it was beautiful, and a lot of fun....even though we had to wake up at the crack of dawn to get there. i went to california with my roommates and kylee, which was so much fun. we went to disneyland (thanks to tracy for graciously allowing us to use the tickets she had....and for driving, and for finding us places to stay) which was so much fun! i had never been. my favorite part of the trip was probably the beach....i mean, come on. who doesn't love lounging in the sun for hours on end? we had a halloween party at annie and dain's, which proved to be extremely entertaining. stake halloween party, which i attended dressed as a ninja turtle with tracy, rich, jason and sarah, a work halloween party, and a girls trip to st george to run a half marathon that i severely under-trained for. by that, i mean....i didn't train at all. that 5k i ran this month...pretty much the only run i've done since ragnar. so yeah, i was pretty miserable. but it was a ton of fun. on top of all these exciting events, i've been spending lots of time with ben, which is always so much fun. 

november is also going to be a busy month. mostly i'm looking forward to thanksgiving in st. george with the fam. i'm excited to see my dad. ben is coming to thanksgiving as well, so that will be fun! we'll be running a 12k (8 miles) on thanksgiving day with my dad. i'm looking forward to it. i wanted to post some pictures with this, but i'm probably going to do that in a separate post. i hope everyone is having a fantastic fall season! i've already started listening to christmas music....and i may or may not have put my christmas decorations up in my office today. don't tell anyone.

xoxo-meg

lately...

1. karaoke night fun...

2. price's soccer game

3. chillin' at dain and annie's (a weekly occurrence...at least)

4. these two boys...love reading with them before bed

5. quality time with baby butch. he's adorbs

6. late night visit to tracy's work

7. chick flick goodness

8. culinary masterpiece...it was delish

9. nerds on campus

10. lonestar deliciousness with the cassitys

11. my nephew is the cutest

12. uofu/byu game...byu lost 

13. st. george visit with the cutest granny ever

14. baby butch. again. i can't get enough

off to idaho this weekend for some fun with the fam. i hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy general conference!

xoxo-meg

and sometimes you write blog posts instead of working...

i really need to be working tonight...i had every intention of spending the evening doing work related things. you know...but that's not happening.

i was talking to someone at work today, and realized that i've now been divorced for almost 9 months. can you believe it? it seems like just yesterday my whole world was being taken from under me and i was lost. i was scared. i was hurt. but i wasn't broken. then this amazing thing happened and i blogged about it here. remember? the moment that i realized that there really is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. from that moment on, things have just gotten better.

i feel like i've made a lot of changes in my life lately. changes that have lead to my ability to be happy again. i'm my old self. i like my old self. and i like being happy. you know what else i like? that this is a happy that is deep inside. it's not just on the surface. my soul is happy.

i think most of this comes from the changes i've made to grow closer to my heavenly father. i've been actively trying to make the gospel the center of my life. and i can tell a drastic change from it. it's funny because it's not like i had to make huge changes at all. just a few adjustments here and there. but the feelings of peace and happiness, the blessings, have been numerous and strongly felt and recognized.

i've also made some adjustments to how i view myself. my self image has not always been great, but making an effort to change that has helped me so much. it's not easy, and i have to remind myself a lot, but really learning to love myself and be happy with the person that i am has made a world of difference.

i have an amazing support system. so many good people in my life, and i can't even begin to name them all. it's overwhelming to me to think of all the people that have supported and loved me through this. thank you. to anyone who ever prayed for me, called to check in, helped me move, gave me a place to stay, provided a shoulder to cry on, went to sonic with me, just spent time with me, gave me advice...i could go on. and you know who you are. thank you. 

i'm not saying my life is suddenly perfect and i'm happy all the time. but i'm happy most of the time, and my life is great. i'm dating an amazing guy, i love my job, i love my roommates, i love my family and friends, and i love my new found happiness. 

xoxo-meg

life is good...

it really is. yesterday as i was getting ready to say my prayers i sat for a minute to think about all the blessings i have in my life. all of the experiences i've had over the last several months, all of the people who have had an impact on me...all of the tender mercies i've experienced. i am a lucky, lucky gal. it's hard for me to put into words how i feel. it's hard for me to express my gratitude without sounding super cheesy. but i can tell you this much...i am happier now than i have been in years. and it's a culmination of many different things that are making me happy. it's refreshing. and i recognize how lucky and blessed i am. and not a day goes by that i don't thank my heavenly father for this wonderful life i have. yes, there have been some curve balls, but really...i have it pretty good. 

this past weekend i had the opportunity to run the ragnar relay with 11 of my amazing co-workers. this was an experience i will never forget. i get emotional when i think about it. i think i speak for everyone when i say it was definitely one of the highlights of my life. i loved having the chance to get to know my co-workers outside of work. to talk about person things, to bond, and to support each other. i ran my last leg with a bum knee. i could barely walk. but i finished it...6.8 miles. up and down hills. at 4:30 am...it was 36 degrees outside. i've never been in a more physically grueling situation. it was exhausting, it was hard, but it was totally worth it. even if i crossed the finish line in tears. my team was there to meet me. they cheered for me. they were proud of me. i was proud of myself.

 here are a few pictures. they can't even begin to show what an amazing experience it was. and they're totally out of order...

our van after all of our legs were completed. i love this group of people.

heading up to breckenridge. the most beautiful drive i've ever been on 

continental divide! so much fun 

getting ready to run the first leg...so nervous!

these are my sexy sweats. 

after my second leg..high fives all around!

the disappointment of a bum knee. i was in so much pain.

total team effort. supporting jordan through his last leg.

 ragnar was amazing. we're doing it again next year. one of the most rewarding experiences ever. i love the memories i made on this trip. and i love my team. and my job.

xoxo-meg

so..........

i've written two blog posts that i haven't posted yet. they're sitting all pretty in my "drafts" folder. waiting to be published. there are so many good things that are happening in my life right now. there are a few things that have happened recently that kind of sucked. and for some reason i'm letting those few stupid little things take over my thoughts and keep me from enjoying all the good things. i'm changing that. today! a list of things that are making me happy right now. 

.my job...i love it. i love the company i work for. i love my co-workers

.related to the above-i got a promotion! and love my new role

.i've made some amazing friends since moving to provo. people that i feel like i've known for years.

.i'm moving in with one of those friends in just a little over 2 weeks! (can't wait, tracy!)

.i love my ward

.guitar lessons

.golf!

.my provo family. i have some seriously amazing cousins

.my newly formed love for the book of mormon (i always liked it, don't get me wrong. but i actually understand it and get something from it now)

.running (never EVER thought i'd say that)

.friends that i've had for years. friends that i know will always be there for me

.my parents. don't think you could find two better people. 

.my sisters (and brother in law) and nephew.

.music

.baby jacob. and the cassity clan. probably 3 of my favorite people. ever.

.and finally....i ran a freaking half marathon last week! and i'm doing another in october. and i'm running the ragnar relay in colorado next month.

i really don't mean to toot my own horn. but you have no idea how proud i am to have finished a half marathon. that is something that i never thought i'd be able to do. ever. when i crossed that finish line and there were complete strangers cheering for me the feeling was indescribable. it kind of made me realize that in life, not only in running there are people along the way cheering for you. some of them you know, but a lot of them you don't. and you know what? you can do it! i can do it. and when you get to mile 8 in life (which was the hardest mile during my race) and you want to give up...don't. because i have a feeling the satisfaction at the end of this race we call life is 1 million times greater than the satisfaction i felt at the end of my race.

i know, i know...i'm so profound. and cheesy.

xoxo-meg